D Day (D for delivery duhh) Trigger Warning

****The post will have pictures of our sweet Emma being born and our family photo after birth.****

July 4th we went to a friends house to celebrate the 4th and relax as our last day of just the 2 of us. We had to go home early though because we were supposed to be the first csection of the day. We got a call mid day on the 4th to come in around 10:30 instead of 5 am.

I woke up on July 5th and just as I did I received a call from the hospital. They asked if we could get there by 7:30 am. I jumped in the shower quick and we were on our way. Unfortunately there were 2 emergency csections that had to be put ahead of me. Baby was fine and heart was beating strong. I was an anxious mess as I had never been through this before. I was thinking about everything from skin to skin, to her being taken to Cardinal Glennon down the road as they had discussed previously right after birth, to our first family picture in the OR. I couldn’t wait to see the look on Ryan’s face as he held Emma for the first time.

It was finally my turn and I just couldn’t wait! I got up to walk down the hall, said our see ya laters to the grandparents, and started our walk to see our girl! Dr. Fisher was waiting at the end of the hall to greet us, I was so nervous I just broke down and started crying. He wrapped me in a big hug and asked what was wrong. I sobbingly said, I’m just so nervous and scared for her. He said me too, but it will be okay.

I met all the OR staff including our AWESOME nurse anesthetists Kyle. He talked me through the whole process. I got my epidural which hurt like no other but was over in an instant. Kyle asked if we would like to take pictures. Ryan was not so sure he’d be able to do it so Kyle offered right away. Kyle talked me through each step and let me know when she was here. I was very scared because I heard no cry, they immediately took Ryan into the room with her where she was taking her last breaths. This I know has to have been the hardest thing for Ryan to do.

Emma’s heart rate wasn’t going over 20 bpm, she wasn’t breathing on her own, they tried getting a breathing tube in but because of her arthrogryposis her jaw wasn’t moving. They worked hard and tirelessly to revive her. They asked Ryan what he wanted them to do. Did he want them to intubate her? He asked what it would do for her quality of life. With her in her current condition it wouldn’t have done much of anything. Ryan without me by him had to make the single handedly most hard decision of his life. He told the team to not intubate her, he stood there as she wrapped her hand around his finger. Dr. Strand our neonatologist came to me and gave me the horrible news. She told me there was nothing more they could do for her, and that she was going to pass away. I laid there unable to move due to my epidural crying and begging that they try everything they can. When they handed her to me, she had taken her last breath. I just laid there and sobbed, holding her.

When they wheeled me into the room I instantly began crying and trying to tell pur parents that she didn’t make it, my mom was the first to my bed before they got me in the room. It was the most heartbreaking thing to say to my mom. “Emma didn’t make it”. Lots of tears, lots of tears and heartache while we held our sweet baby girl. Our parents advised the others and the family while Ryan and I just started at and held our sweet Emma. We were in shock, in disbelief, we couldn’t believe what had just happened. Our baby girl we had been so excited to meet was gone just as quickly as she came into the world. What a soul crushing day for us all. But I so grateful that Kyle took those pictures for us of her being born. They will he cherished for a lifetime. Below are some of the delivery photos and our first photo as a family.

5 thoughts on “D Day (D for delivery duhh) Trigger Warning”

  1. I am so very sorry for your loss. As a mom who has gone through the same pain, I know exactly how you felt. And you wrote it true, the shock and disbelief are the emotions I remember the most aside from the heart crushing pain. praying you and your husband find some relief.


  2. My sister lost her first two babies in the third trimester. Then both of her daughter-in-laws had multiple miscarriages. Neither have been able to carry a child to term. My neighbour had a baby ‘born sleeping’ as she describes it, at 5 months. And her next was born very premature at 26 weeks. Doing well now, three years down the track. Pregnancy and birth are not a walk in the park! These tragedies are so much more common than most people realise. Bless you both.


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