****TW pictures of Emma below****
After Emma’s birth and passing, the hospital staff reached out in a way I’ll never forget. I know they do this for all grieving parents but it’s so nice to feel so special. We got to hold her for awhile before we got transferred to the post partum floor.
Julie one of our nurses did a photo shoot for us. Dressed her in her cute little outfits we brought with bows etc. And they had her on this cute pink and purple crochet blanket. After she was done taking pictures she said “oh no you get to keep that”. We were able to get Miss Emma baptized and they let us pick out an angel dress and baptism bib made from donated wedding dresses. We got to pick out the shell the water for her baptism would be in. The Chaplin came in and performed the baptism. We got a baptism certificate and after the pictures were done and printed the made a scrapbook for us with the pictures, her crib card, her bracelet, and they made 2 little bracelets, one with her name and one with pretty jewels and a cross.
We had tons of family come up that day and we let everyone get to hold her for a bit. Dr. Fisher came in to see how I was and was still in shock that this had happened. He really wanted to know the cause of this. He asked if we would be okay doing an autopsy. I was hesitant at first, but only because I figured it would cost a lot. Dr. Fisher let us know that we wouldn’t be billed for th autopsy. That was a weight lifted off our shoulders. They also did cord blood testing as well to check for genetic issues.
We wanted to know what caused this. And we knew the only way to get answers was for them to do an autopsy. We got to keep her in our room the whole time in our room. We had her sleep in our room as well. The next day we had our nurse come in to let us know that to get the best results we would have to give her back so they could do the autopsy within 24 hours. I didn’t want to give her back, it was so hard to do. I knew obviously I would have to give her back before we left the hospital. But to have to give your child back that you lost after birth is heartbreaking.
The night before we dressed her up in a onesie and wrapped her in the receiving blanket, I got to brush her head full of beautiful dark hair, clipped some for her baby book. We cuddled her and shared her time with us, with friends and family. I’m so glad her aunts and uncles got to hold her and I’m so glad other family and friends got to meet her.
When I had to give her back, my best friend Sam and her mom were in the room, Ryan and my mom, and I think my moms friend was too. It was absolutely the hardest moment of my life. I hated that I had to give her back, it was the hardest cry of my life. My only regret is not taking the recieving blanket she was wrapped in. But as silly as it sounds I just wanted her to be wrapped up and warm.
I stayed in the hospital for the full 4 days insurance allowed. And when it was time to leave and pack up, I just didn’t feel right. Our nurse Megan helped us out to the car. I barely made it out of the hospital room before I broke down into hysterics. I just wanted my baby girl and I wanted her healthy and alive and coming home with us…. and that just wasn’t possible. She was so sweet, and just let me cry and helped push our cart up to the car. She kept saying how Emma was with us even if it wasn’t physical and how beautiful she was.
Walking to the car felt like the longest walk I had ever taken. The ride home was sad, I wasn’t sitting in the back seat with her in the car seat. I wasn’t complaining about Ryan’s driving with the baby in the car. But our Emmy Lou was and continues to be with us every day. These pictures are from her baptism, photo sesh etc. Gosh I miss that baby smell and her full head of hair. I miss kissing those big cheeks and holding her long piano fingers.