Pregnancy After Infant Loss..
It should be joyous right? You should be over the moon and so excited to have another baby on the way. You are made to feel like you can’t complain about anything. “Be happy you’re able to have another baby”. “At least you know you can get pregnant easy”.
Pregnancy After Infant Loss is truly a nightmare. I am so grateful for this pregnancy and this baby. But what doesn’t get talked about is the impending doom, the constant fear of losing the baby, the daily VIVID nightmares of having a miscarriage.
But here you are, blessed with a baby growing inside you. You are supposed to be happy, you’re supposed to act like nothing bothers you. People constantly asking what you want (a boy or a girl), or if you have names picked out.
And all you can do is panick at the thought of picking a name. Worrying if at the anatomy scan everything is okay, because the last time you had one you found out your child would have many medical issues.
Every appointment (which includes an ultrasound because you’re high risk), is anxiety filled until you see and heart the heartbeat. You take a long list of questions every time because you’re so nervous, but you end up only asking one or two and putting the list away.
Every pain, ache, etc is cause for panick. You don’t know if there is something wrong, if you should go in, should I call the doctor about this? You go to your PAIL support group and ask questions, that you’d NEVER dare ask on your personal Facebook page.
You hear tragic PAIL stories that cause anxiety, then read and see those beautiful rainbow babies that ease your mind. Everyday you have a constant fear of the worst happening. You feel guilty because you don’t remember the symptoms you had with your loss baby, and then you’re symptoms with your rainbow almost seem unbearable.
If you know someone who is going through a PAIL, be kind. Help when you can. Offer a listening ear. And understand when they break plans, don’t want to talk, or are having a bad day. I am so terrified of having another baby. I am so happy at the same time, but I’m scared of not knowing what to do because I didn’t get to experience anything with Emma. I’m scared of all the milestones this baby will reach that Emma didn’t and then having an immense amount of Mom Guilt being happy for this baby.
We’re out here trying and giving it all we’ve got. To some that won’t seem like much, and to others it seems like more than enough.